drunk dialling without being drunk

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Yeah so I recently got a smartphone. Fancy schmancy thing with a gazillion functions and it is sleek and shiny too. Nobody told me you got to be smart to be able to use it though. Duh.

Over the two weeks that I have owned the phone I accidently called several friends at the most unusual times. One friend even called me back to ask if I was getting my kicks drunk dialling her or if there was something so important going on that I called her at 6a.m. – which is 5a.m. for her. Ooopsy daisy.

Hmmm bummer – you’d think after accidently calling another friend at 2am on a weeknight the other day I would’ve copped on and actually learned how to lock the screen. Only I didn’t and so I’m walking through life randomly calling people, who in turn don’t even get to speak to me (unless they care to call me back and ask me what in the world could possibly be so important to justify a call at 5am) as I mostly carry the phone in my purse. So they get to listen to my morning routine, or me in the car or on my way to work or….

So it seems I am drunk dialling peeps without being drunk. Which is even worse. Not that I would love to be drunk but at least it would be an excuse for my own stupidity.

I dug up the email my friend sent me after accidently calling twice one morning:

Enjoy!

Drunk Dialling Etiquette

1. Only drunk dial when you’re drunk. Everything else is false advertisement.
2. It’s okay to call someone 25 times in one night. If you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.
3. If you’re going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice: “Mom I’m in McDonald’s and they’re playing our song. I love you.”
4. Dirty talk while drunk dialling is always preferred. Who doesn’t want to hear raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to get bent over?
5. Voicemails are always better. This way your friends can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, or even weeks to come.
6. Drunk texting is OK, but only if you’re prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you sober up.
7. It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they ever had, and everything they know they learned from you. This way you can all sleep well at night.
8. You can also call this same ex and let them know, that you know, that they still love you. Then explain that I would still love me too!
9. If you are a frequent dialler, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.
10. It’s always a good idea to sing on someone’s answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.
11. Drunk dialling should be fun and light hearted, or dirty and sex crazed… Never angry.
12. Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They’re usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that “you have a problem”.
13. If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.
14. Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is a bad thing which usually leads to angry dialling.
15. If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend’s. It’s karma.